If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
