so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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