I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
