Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
