he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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