Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
