Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
