you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
