i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
