im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
