that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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