he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
