Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
