they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Four minutes until I can fart!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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