i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
