dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
