i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
