i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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