did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
