is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
