I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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