Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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