Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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