I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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