Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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