Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
