Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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