i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
