I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
