sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
