she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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