Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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