Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
