is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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