And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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