we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
