ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
im six kinds of drunk right now
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
