highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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