I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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