Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
