i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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