I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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