Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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