We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
