I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
