May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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