all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Everclear isn't food dammit
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
