I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
