my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
