just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
