to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
