life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
