I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Can I color on your dick again?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Randomize
