turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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