If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
