then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
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He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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