dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So vagazzling was a success
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