One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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