dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
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That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
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It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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