as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
